“Oh no, what did I just do?” Recovering From Texting Gaffes
By Amanda LaMela and Dani Saliani
It's such a relatable experience to send a mistaken text to both people we are close with and, worse, maybe people we are not so close with. Whether it’s a bad auto-correct mistake, sending something embarrassing to the wrong person, or something you regret you dished out when not sober or when in the throes of an emotional time period, we’ve all been there in one way or another. But while it may be relatable, it can be oh-so isolating in the moment when you realize what you just did and the feelings begin rising to a point of panic. It doesn’t even have to be that bad to send a spike to our blood pressure. ‘Oops’ is not as easy to brush off for some people than it is for others. Since it’s something we’ve all done and will probably do again, let’s talk about the feelings that come up and what we can do when it happens, both to figure it out with the recipient and to take care of ourselves.
Mental Health and Texting Gaffes
Texting gaffes can trigger embarrassment, anxiety, and rumination. We may feel exposed or worry that we’ve ruined a relationship or professional opportunity. For those of us with social anxiety, these moments can activate our inner critic, leading to disproportionate distress. Since anxious individuals are more “prone to embarrassment because they would likely focus on information consistent with their negative self image, such as their social failings and gaffes,” a simple typo can feel like a critical threat to our image and sense of belonging (Withers et. al, 2006). Essentially, the more anxious we are in general, the more likely we are for the mistake to bring a heightened sense of embarrassment.
From an evolutionary perspective, a panicked reaction is less about modern technology and more about primordial wiring. Withers (2006) found that “those who reported negative expectations of themselves in intimate situations were also more likely to report negative expectations for themselves in a public setting.” Humans are social creatures, and our survival has always hinged on acceptance from our tribe. Therefore, a rogue emoji or accidental thirst trap can trigger the same primitive fear once reserved for being exiled from the campfire.
The good news is any mental health impact is short lived because the feeling of embarrassment is fleeting and only in direct response to an event or a memory of an event. Surely we’ve all thought about that thing that we did that one time that makes us cringe as we try to go to sleep. But that embarrassment, too, is only a flash and won’t stick around for long. Embarrassment is not shame, though if we’re prone to experiencing persistent shame, they might seem alike. Shame is a far broader umbrella connected to our perceived worthiness. At our practice, we often work with themes of shame and self-worth, but in this case, it’s important to remember that your worth as a person can never be colored by one mistake, or even 700 mistakes.
Strategies After The Mistake
When a texting gaffe occurs, our first instinct is often to fix it. Fast. But it’s best to resist the urge to overcompensate. Sending five clarifying texts, a voice memo, and a follow-up apology with a GIF of a crying raccoon usually draws more attention to the mistake and ramps up the awkwardness. In these scenarios, try your best to channel ‘graceful brevity.’ How do you do that?
Match the tone of the context. If the gaffe was benign, keep it playful. If the content was more sensitive (like a snarky comment sent to the subject of said snark), a calm and direct apology may be warranted. Say something like, “That message wasn’t meant for you, and I realize it may have landed poorly. I’m really sorry.”
Then, for everyone’s sake, take a pause. Give the other person space to respond and resist the urge to over explain. If you are feeling flushed and frantic, it is important to regulate before you rectify. Take a few breaths before replying.
The goal here isn’t to erase the mistake but to demonstrate maturity in your response. Maya Angelou said “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Don’t overcompensate, don’t make excuses or dig a hole for yourself– just take accountability where needed and move forward.
For the sake of the embarrassment that might be rattling around in your head after committing a texting gaffe, it’s important to reality check your thoughts. Doing this will assist in you being able to calm yourself down both before and after addressing it with the other person. Ask yourself, “Is this as severe as my brain says it is?” Likely, it is not. You’re not out here sending war plans to journalists! (I’m sorry, that one was too easy to resist.)
Most people are more forgiving and far less observant than we assume. Everyone sends a rogue message at some point, and mistakes are part of being human. Try to laugh about it. Sharing your gaffe with a trusted friend or therapist can turn a moment of shame into a shared chuckle (and a good story). You can reflect, but try not to ruminate! If there is something to learn, great, take away the lesson from the experience. Subjecting yourself to endless replays is not going to help you in the long run.
However, there are a few proactive steps we can take to prevent texting gaffes in the first place:
Double-check recipients, especially when juggling multiple threads. If the message is sensitive, consider quadruple-checking. (You don’t want to send your boss a message about your boss.)
Turn off predictive text if it’s consistently unhelpful, or at least get in the habit of scanning for sneaky edits.
Avoid texting while flustered, multitasking, or under the influence. When we’re dysregulated, our impulse control drops. That’s precisely when our phones become chaos machines.
To live is to fumble. We’re still human after all. Try not to take yourself or your mistakes too seriously, especially if you’re prone to anxiety and shame.
If you’d like to meet with any of the therapists at our practice to work through any texting or non-texting-related embarrassment, or more likely, overall experiences of anxiety or shame, you can check out our bios here, contact us, or make an appointment below. We look forward to working with you!
References
Nikoi, Michael. "Oops! Sent a Sexual Text to the Wrong Person? Here’s What to Do Next." Medium, 12 March 2023, https://michaelnikoi.medium.com/oops-sent-a-sexual-text-to-the-wrong-person-heres-what-to-do-next-c2de4d091374.
Tucciarone Jr, Joseph. "The Impact of Internet Experiences on Embarrassment." (2011).
Withers, Lesley A., and Laura L. Vernon. "To err is human: Embarrassment, attachment, and communication apprehension." Personality and individual differences 40.1 (2006): 99-110.
