By Sydney Kowalski
We all Carry Different Toolkits
Have you ever wondered why something that seems so obvious to you can feel foreign to someone else? I recently had a conversation with a friend about trying to understand why her partner is a certain way or does some things. I shared an analogy to help her feel a little better and understand her partner. I said everyone has different tools in their toolkit. For example, you can’t expect a plumber to have the tools to fix the electricity, and you can’t expect the electrician to have the tools to fix a clog. And in a relationship, you can’t expect someone to do the same things as you when they have a different set of tools. We all bring different strengths to any relationship, so it’s important to recognize those strengths. What comes naturally to one person can be challenging for another. We all carry different toolkits that influence how we think, feel, respond, and go through life. Understanding that we all have different tools in our toolkits helps us understand each other better. It doesn't mean we can’t learn new tools, but it does mean we work with what we have right now.
What’s in Your Toolkit?
The meaning of a toolkit in this metaphor is emotional and relational skills that we have developed over time. For example, tools can include emotional skills, relational skills, coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, emotional regulation skills, learned behaviors, beliefs, and ways of interpreting experiences and navigating life. Some of these tools may be well developed, while others may be rarely used or not yet learned. We develop all these tools through our lived experiences. Some tools in our toolkit were developed in childhood and were shaped by different family dynamics. Others were developed by our cultural values, social norms, and societal expectations. Others came from relationships, education, and mentors we looked up to. Others came from adversity, trauma, and the need to survive. The tools we carry represent the different ways we have had to learn to navigate the world.
Our toolkit begins to take shape in childhood and family dynamics. We learn how to show emotions and handle them through emotional modeling from the people who raised us. The article The Role of Family Context in the Development of Emotion Regulation by Morris et al. (2007) states that emotional skills develop through family modeling, parenting practices, and the household's overall emotional climate. It states that emotional regulation isn’t just about suppressing negative emotions, but involves managing emotional experiences in ways that are flexible to how we approach a situation. Young children depend on parents or caregivers to help them manage their emotions, and as children get older, they start to develop a more independent regulation system. For example, a child who is raised in an environment where emotions are expressed openly and discussed may develop important tools for communicating their feelings. On the other hand, a child whose emotions were often dismissed may learn to suppress or avoid their emotions. These responses are not necessarily conscious decisions but are learned from the environments in which one grows up. We take these ways of expressing our emotions into adulthood. These tools, however, that once helped us navigate our early childhood environments may not always be the most helpful tools for the situations we encounter later in life. If each one of our toolkits emerges from such varied experiences in childhood, it makes sense that no two people will carry the same collection of tools.
Different People, Different Toolkits
Everyone responds to the same stressful situations in different ways. Kapoglu and colleagues (2023) describe three broad approaches to coping, which are problem-focused, emotion-focused, and avoidant coping. So when a stressful problem arises, one person might want to figure out how to solve it immediately, another might focus on managing how they feel about it, and another might avoid the problem altogether. Beyond coping with stressful situations, people also regulate emotions in different ways. Gross (1998) describes how we can influence emotional experiences by changing situations, directing our attention elsewhere, altering our interpretations of what is happening, or managing our response.
Imagine there are two people experiencing frustrations. One person might need more alone time to process and settle their emotions, while the other person might prefer discussing the situation immediately. Both responses to discomfort are valid, but together, they might not see eye to eye. Differing responses can often create misunderstandings when we assume our preferred way of handling emotions should also work for the other person. Sometimes it’s easy to focus on what someone doesn’t understand or can’t do, overlooking the valuable strengths they bring. Just because their strengths differ from ours, it can be hard to see at times. Understanding someone’s toolkit doesn’t just apply to romantic partners, but to friends, family, teachers, and other relationships. Understanding the experiences behind a person’s behavior doesn’t mean we can excuse hurtful actions or overlook our own needs. Recognizing that others carry a different set of tools can allow us to replace some of our own assumptions with curiosity without giving up our own boundaries or expectations for mutual consideration. In addition, recognizing these differences is an important first step. The next big question is how we can learn to use our own tools to be more intentional while appreciating what others bring.
Learning to Work With Our Toolkits
Before we use our tools intentionally, we first have to recognize what is already in our toolkit. Psychologist Mariana Plata (2019) describes the emotional toolbox as a way for us to identify the resources we already possess while also recognizing the opportunities to develop new skills. We must first identify the resources we already possess, then recognize the aspects of our lives in which we want to improve. Then we can determine which skills we want to develop and approach this development with the utmost self-compassion. Plata pinpoints five emotional resources, which are resilience, creativity, assertiveness, mental flexibility, and self-awareness. What tools do you draw upon when you have disagreements? Do you try to immediately solve the problem, withdraw from the disagreements, or feel like you need to make everyone feel okay? Whatever you tend to lean toward isn’t necessarily the most helpful response in every situation, but it’s important to understand when and why it shows up. Having a certain tool doesn’t mean it's the right one for every situation. Bonanno and Burton (2013) state that effective coping and emotion regulation require some flexibility. Flexibility includes recognizing situational demands, having different strategies available, and adjusting based on feedback. For example, problem-solving can be super valuable when someone is facing a practical issue, but when a friend is grieving, immediately offering solutions might leave that person feeling unheard and misunderstood. Sometimes the issue isn’t that we don’t have a tool, but that we’ve become so used to reaching for the same tool over and over again.
In fact, between different individuals, having different toolkits can actually complement each other. Like in romantic relationships, one partner might excel at emotional awareness while the other person is skilled at organizing, planning, or problem-solving. In friendships, one person might be a great listener while another brings humor, and another offers perspective during difficult times. These differences don’t automatically create compatibility, but they can create opportunities for mutual support. For someone who is naturally empathetic, they might become everyone’s emotional support person, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve opportunities to receive emotional support themselves. And just because people’s strengths complement each other doesn’t mean that they don’t need communication skills, learning new skills, or sharing responsibility. Self-awareness helps us recognize our patterns and understand how we handle certain situations. Different individuals can show us approaches we may never have considered. With self-awareness, we can then practice the skills we may need to develop further. Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore established coping patterns and experiment with different ways of responding.
Our Toolkits Are Always Evolving
Understanding ourselves and others isn’t about expecting everyone to carry the same collection of tools. It’s about recognizing the experiences that shaped what we carry, appreciating the strengths others bring, and staying curious about what we might still need to learn. What do you think is in your toolkit, and what might you learn from someone who has a different toolkit than yours?
References
Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591-612. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691613504116
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271-299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271
Kapoğlu, N., Ruiz Y Kärkkäinen, D., Tapio, L., ter Haar, S. B., den Hertog, M., Huijgen, R., Harrewijn, A., Godor, B. P., & Van der Hallen, R. (2023). What tools are in your coping toolbox? Frontiers for Young Minds, 11, Article 974011. https://doi.org/10.3389/frym.2023.974011
Morris, A. S., Silk, J.S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361-388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
Plata, M. (2019, January 20). 5 skills to add to your emotional toolbox. Psychology Today. https://psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201901/5-skills-add-your-emotional-toolbox
