“Why Do I Keep Going Back?” Understanding On-Again, Off-Again Relationships
By Amanda LaMela
You deleted the text thread. You even told your friends, “No, seriously, I’m done.” Then two weeks later, something happened. Perhaps it was a lonely Sunday evening, a kind message, or a lingering memory. Suddenly, you’re back in contact with the person you were trying so hard to leave behind.
If you’ve been trapped in this cycle, you are not alone. You might be stuck in what researchers call “relationship churning,” a pattern of breaking up and getting back together, sometimes with sexual contact continuing during the breakup itself (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2012).
What counts as an on-again, off-again relationship?
An on-again, off-again relationship is not just one breakup followed by one thoughtful reunion. For many people, it becomes a repeated cycle of conflict, distance, reunion, and relief, followed by another rupture. Sometimes the relationship is officially “over,” but the emotional or sexual ties have yet to be severed (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2012).
Relationship churning is more common during emerging adulthood. In one study of 17- to 24-year-olds in dating and cohabiting relationships, 44.2% had broken up and gotten back together with a recent partner, 27.1% had sex with an ex, and 48% had experienced at least one form of on-off relationship churning (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2012). These patterns, while prevalent among young adults, are often emotionally disruptive enough to warrant real psychological attention.
Why people go back
For some people, on/off relationships start long before their romantic debut. Charvat found that parental on/off relationship patterns were associated with a higher likelihood of a young adult cycling in their own relationships (Charvat et al., 2023). Family history can develop into long-lasting scripts unless patterns are named, understood, and interrupted. If you grew up around relationships that were always threatening to end, briefly ending, or dramatically restarting, your body may learn to experience uncertainty as normal (Charvat et al., 2023).
The research suggests that greater relationship uncertainty is strongly linked with both current and past cycling. Young adults were more likely to mirror their parents’ on/off relationship patterns during times of relational doubt. (Charvat et al., 2023). Ambiguity keeps people attached far longer than clarity does. When nothing feels settled, the mind tends to keep the door cracked open. Rosy retrospection further complicates the dynamic, obscuring painful memories during a couple's “off” phase (Charvat et al., 2023). Over time, that push-pull cycle can leave people drained, confused, and less trusting of themselves, while making a stable, secure relationship seem further out of reach.
When we’re trapped in this cycle, it’s easy to succumb to shame and self-doubt. But the urge to reconcile usually has nothing to do with a lack of willpower. People often maintain cycling relationships for deeply human reasons. Many find comfort in familiarity. Some maintain hope that circumstances will be better this time around, that communication will be cleaner, or that the last fight will have taught both people something. Furthermore, many on/off relationships really do contain intimacy. Researchers found that while churning relationships were associated with more conflict, they were also associated with greater intimate self-disclosure, which helps explain why they can feel so hard to quit (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2012).
Compared with more stable relationships, on-and-off relationships among young adults have been linked to less validation, lower commitment, and poorer overall relationship quality (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2012; Charvat et al., 2023). The volatility itself can come to feel intense, passionate, and magnetic. This is why many people get trapped in vicious cycles. They assume that because the connection feels powerful, it must also be meaningful enough to justify holding on. But the relationship that keeps pulling you back may be costing you peace. A relationship can have real chemistry and still ransack your nervous system.
When an on/off relationship becomes a safety concern
While churning has become a prevalent trope in modern dating, it can also be a sign of deeper distress. In one young adult sample, churners reported much higher rates of conflict than people who were either stably together or stably broken up. About 57% of churners reported physical conflict, compared with about 27% of those in the stable groups. About 64% of churners reported verbal abuse, compared with roughly 42% to 45% of those who were stably together or stably broken up (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). The authors concluded that churners were about twice as likely to report physical violence and roughly one-and-a-half times as likely to report verbal abuse.
If you find yourself walking on eggshells or dealing with any form of aggression, it is important to prioritize your immediate physical and emotional safety. Just because a relationship is familiar or passionate does not mean it is healthy. Such realities can coexist, and therapy can help people distinguish between them.
What therapy can help with
If unhealthy relationship cycles are affecting your self-esteem, mood, or sense of safety, a trusted therapist can help you understand and navigate conflicting emotions. Therapy offers a safe place to explore relational patterns without the shame that often comes from friends or family telling you to "just leave." A therapist can help you identify what happens right before the breakup, what makes a reunion feel relieving, and what gets overlooked when the relationship resumes. Therapy can help build tolerance for uncertainty, explore family-of-origin relationship modeling, and rebuild self-trust. If these patterns sound familiar, you don’t have to navigate them alone. Book a consultation with one of our clinicians today to start your healing journey.
References
Charvat, E. J., Garneau-Rosner, C. L., Monk, J. K., & Colaner, C. W. (2023). The intergenerational transmission of relationship instability: A focus on emerging adult on-off relationships. Family Process, 62(1), 222-238. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12798
Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., & Longmore, M. A. (2013a). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166-188. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558412464520
Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., & Longmore, M. A. (2013b). Relationship churning, physical violence, and verbal abuse in young adult relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(1), 2-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01029.x
