Alone in a Crowded Subway: Why Loneliness Hits Different in New York City

By Amanda LaMela

Loneliness is a growing public health concern in the United States. In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General even described a national “loneliness epidemic.” While social isolation and loneliness can affect anyone, our environments can shape how we experience these feelings.

The Subway Paradox

At some point, you’ve probably encountered the strange ache of feeling lonely in a crowd. How is it possible that we can pack into a subway car, breathe the same stale air, yet still feel entirely disconnected? Here is the deal: proximity does not equal connection. Riding the subway at rush hour, you're surrounded by people avoiding eye contact. Loneliness here is not isolation; it’s invisibility.

Several barriers to social connection are unique to big cities. City-living is often characterized by a hectic, work-centric lifestyle, which leaves little time for deeper social connections. Transient relationships pose another challenge. Urban populations tend to be more mobile and inconstant, which can mean friend circles shift as people move in and out. Many young adults even report a fear of opening up, viewing new relationships as fickle, shallow, or transactional​. To protect against feelings of disappointment or abandonment, city-dwellers might subconsciously prioritize having a larger circle of acquaintances over a trusted group of close friends. While a vast social network is generally considered beneficial, it cannot replace the emotional intimacy that comes with genuine relationships.

Despite these challenges, urban settings also offer unique avenues for connection. Large cities provide more opportunities to meet people with shared interests through events and community groups. New York has niche social clubs, volunteer networks, and meet-ups for everything from sports to book discussions. “Third places,” such as libraries, community centers, and cafés, are abundant in New York City and can serve as social hubs (CDC, 2022). Urban neighborhoods possess a unique ability to foster interaction, which can help mitigate loneliness by creating a sense of community within the city. In short, while a city like NYC can make someone feel “lonely in a crowd,” it also provides many tools to become “connected in a crowd” if individuals are able to take part in the social fabric.

Loneliness and Age

Loneliness does not affect all groups equally, and specific demographics experience different patterns of loneliness, depending on their geographical location. Both younger adults and older adults are considered high-risk groups, though for different reasons. Traditionally, loneliness was thought of as an affliction of older adults (who may lose spouses and friends with age). Indeed, many seniors in all environments struggle with loneliness. However, recent data and first-person accounts suggest that younger people often report higher levels of loneliness than seniors, especially in urban areas (NPR, 2019). The first move to a new city and the upheavals of one’s 20s and 30s, such as break-ups and job changes, can trigger intense loneliness before one has established a solid support system.

How Loneliness Is Measured by Researchers

Researchers have developed several methods to measure loneliness, capturing both the subjective experience of loneliness and related objective factors, such as social isolation. In survey research, the most common tools are standardized questionnaires. A widely used instrument is the UCLA Loneliness Scale, a validated survey that asks individuals to rate how often they experience certain feelings related to loneliness (Gosling, 2024). For example, respondents might be asked how often they feel “left out,” “isolated from others,” or “that there is no one they can turn to”. Higher scores indicate greater loneliness.

In addition to direct loneliness scales, researchers assess social isolation quantitatively by looking at the structure of people’s social ties. This includes counting the number of close relationships, frequency of social interactions, or participation in community activities. These objective measures often accompany loneliness questions to provide context. Someone can have few contacts (high social isolation) but not feel lonely, or conversely, have many contacts yet feel existential loneliness (Henning-Smith, 2019).

A New Yorker’s Guide to Meaningful Connection

Ultimately, the human need for connection transcends geography. Genuine relationships and a sense of belonging are vital for well-being. Here are five practical things New Yorkers can do when loneliness creeps in:

1. Tap Into the City's Social Scene (Without Pressure!)
   Explore community-oriented gatherings like local book clubs, hobby meet-ups, volunteer activities, or neighborhood events. Websites like Meetup offer easy-going, no-pressure options to ease into connection gently.

2. Build Familiarity Through Daily Rituals
   Visit the same coffee shop, park bench, or farmers’ market regularly. Simple routines where you encounter familiar faces can create subtle bonds that significantly decrease feelings of isolation in a big city.

3. Join Community-Based Fitness or Creative Classes
   Participate in group classes like yoga, pottery, cooking, or improv comedy workshops. Engaging in structured yet social activities helps build connections naturally, wrapped in the comfort of shared interests.

4. Make Time for Nature and Green Spaces
   Regularly spending time in green spaces (like Prospect Park, Central Park, or the High Line) can lower stress, lift your mood, and gently encourage friendly interactions with others seeking the same respite.

5. Seek Professional Help and Emotional Support
   If loneliness feels overwhelming or persistent, reach out to a counselor or therapist. A mental health professional can provide compassionate support to help navigate feelings of loneliness, fostering a deeper sense of connection and well-being.

You can can book appointment with Amanda or any of our clinicians by contacting us here and listing the therapist you’d like to work with, or simply make an appointment below. We look forward to working with you!

References

Gosling, C. J., Colle, R., Cartigny, A., Jollant, F., Corruble, E., & Frajerman, A. (2024). Measuring loneliness: a head-to-head psychometric comparison of the 3- and 20-item UCLA Loneliness Scales. Psychological Medicine, 54(14), 1–3827. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291724002083

Henning-Smith, C., Moscovice, I., & Kozhimannil, K. (2019). Differences in social isolation and its relationship to health by rurality. The Journal of Rural Health, 35(4), 540–549. https://doi.org/10.1111/jrh.12344

Social Connection. (2019). CDC. https://www.cdc.gov/social-connectedness/about/index.html

Young Urban People Are Lonelier Than Old Rural Folks, And Social Media Doesn’t Help. (2019).  KCUR.ORG. https://www.kcur.org/health/2019-06-18/young-urban-people-are-lonelier-than-old-rural-folks-and-social-media-doesnt-help